update n last night

UPDATE:

I have been going out with Juan Manuel A.K.A Pola for a month now (Oct. 3rd) and well think are good, exept for last night, but I will get to that later. I was working at Ciber Cafe Gallegos but I´m not right now. Me and Cesar were gettting along good as friends and then one day he kissed me and we kind of started that kind of relationship. We decided to have sex and when the day came something else came up it was like that for a month anyway, one day i was horny and it was also Saturday wich was they day me and Cesar would meet. But, one again something came up and we coudn´t so that night this guy (Pola) started talking to me and he said he would walk me home i said no thanks but he still did so on the way we sat on a bench and started talking and he told me he liked me and wanted to go out with me, by the way he was drunk and kept trying to kiss me every five second, so i told him no that i was looking for a serious relationship not a sex buddy. He told me he was looking for a serious relationship too, and this time i let him kiss me, so we whent somewere and we had sex. So me thinking ok he was drunk so hes not going to remember tomorrow i whent along with everything he said. And thats how we started going out. So the next day i was at work in the morning and he was outside and some of the guys told me "OOH yor boyfriend Pola is outside" I didn´t pay any mind to them and then when i was about to leave in when i saw him so i satyed for a couple of minutes and then i didnt see him so i left. And that night he was there again, but that day Cesar also talked to me and asked me what i had wanted to talk about yesterday and i told him it wasnt important any more. Cesar and Pola are friends and like second cousins or something. Anyway one of the guys touched me one day and Pola was there and he was like "hey come outside." and he told them all of them (Luis, Antonio, Juan Jose and they rest of them) that he didnt want anyone of them touching me and if they had any debts with me to pay them. that was our third day and thats when all of the guys that hang around there knew that we were going out. Cesar found out too. But not some of the older guys because they would see me somewere and they would try hitting on me until one Sunday there was a party at the plaza and i was walking around with my mum we past infront of the town hall and they guy that were there started calling out things to me and we decided to leave so we were looking for my sister Jessa when he came up to us and he talked to my mum and i left with him we walked by the exact place and this time they cheered for him (IDKY). So that was the day EVERYONE knew we were dateing, and lately i have begun to like him, I liked Cesar for a long time but things woudnt of worked out so i told the advice he told me he took himself. If you someone in your heart it best to try to push them out with another person. So that what i was trying to do get Cesar out because it was painful, and when he found out about me and Pola he stoped talking to me he woudnt even look at me and that pissed me off cuz even tho i was trying to get him out of my heart i still liked him as a friend i liked the conversation we had. so i tryed talkeing to his mum and finaly i send him a message on Myspace.

(read from bottom up)

11/4/2010 8:25 PM

To:

pues como tu quieras

11/3/2010 10:38 PM

To:

dude yo si te keria te lo dije si no recuerda eres tu pero yo te dije ke me gustabas y tamben me gustas como amigo pero si no keres tratar entonses ai muere no?

11/3/2010 9:36 PM

To:

no es por eso lo que pasa es k no tengo nada de k hablar
por eso ok i por lo k disgiste nada k ber

11/3/2010 9:17 PM

To:

ves enotonces nomas me hablaban antes de que saliera con Juan por que te querias acostar con migo o que si asi es entonces pon el dia para acerlo

11/3/2010 8:48 PM

To:

tu misma lo digiste por que te
hablaba si tu tienes a tu novio
y si te parese si no al berga
y no quiero que sigas chingando entonses
por ami no me gusta que me hablen asi ok

11/2/2010 10:15 PM

To:

enotnses por que putos me hablabas

11/2/2010 8:08 PM

To:

por que like
y llono tengo nada que ablar
contigo

11/2/2010 2:22 PM

To:

like en serio dime por que ya no me ablas

no que eramos amigos y no se que

LAST NIGHT:

I when to the ciber cafe and Cesar was there, and while i was there Vere (my boss´s wife) told me something. First it was that some lady told her that I was going to get married in December, and that she had been woudering if it was true or not, so i told her "Man, people here sure do love to talk, people i dont know know more about my life then i do!" and she was just like yea. She also told me about Hugo that he had offered to take care of the Cyber Cafe for a few days if she would just let him burn some discs and she said okay sure then they found that what he was burning was child pornography videos and then that mutherfucker tryed to blame it on me, he said that those videos were on the computer because i put them there and Noemi was there and she said ¨NO, porque esa muchach si se ve que sabe de computadoras porque cuando you le preguntaba algo ella siempre me conestaba¨ and Vere said it too that ever time she would go see how things were she would see me either playing games or chatting but i was never ont that. And later someone tolder her thats why he got Deported because of the child pornography thing. So yea more reasons to convict him. So when Ricardo who i was waiting for got done and he left so we were sitting on a bench in the plaza (Ricardo, Fabian, and myself) haveing fun hanging out, supposevly i´m teaching them english. So, it was almost ten when Fabian left and I stayed behind with Ricardo and we were just talking and it got cold so we decided to leave and he told me he would walk me part way home i was like okay sure. So then hes like you want to do no one has to find out i was like Dude I´m going out with your friend and you have a grildfriend and your my uncle and hes like were distant relatives (his mum is my grandmas cousin) and no one has to find out i was like dude no there is only one dude i would ever cheat on Pola with and he doesnt care about me. Ricardo told me to tell him who it was so i told him and hes like ¨NO FUCKEN WAY¨ i was like yeaif he every told me lets do it i would and i told him we had already tryed but shit kept comeing up. so we got about a third of the way to my house when he said he was leaving cuz he had to pee so i was like okay and i kept going so i was four houses away from were i live (my house in on a corner and i was going down the side street), when i hear a bike behind me and ...it him. we started talking and as we go closer to my house we decided to go back and sit on the bench, our bench, and talk.

So we were good for a while until he tryed to kiss me, i dint know what to do. I wanted to kiss him back to bad but i didnt i pretened it didnt happen and we coutinued talking then he tryed to do it again and again i pretended it didnt happen. so we were good again and then he put his arm around me and tryed to kiss me again, this time we touched lips i had the urge to kiss him to hold him but i pushed him away i told him i coudnt that i was going out with his friend and he asked me why i had traded him for Pola. at that moment i felt like crying, as i do know, andf i wanted to scream at him I didnt trade you! You ignored me! You always acted like all you ever wanted to do with me was fool around! but i didn´t and then he tryed to kiss me again and this time i kissed back, i missed him i felt happy and angry and sad and disapointed. I dint want to cheat on Pola but Cesar always makes things dificult and its Cesar that i think im in love with. so we were really cold he made a fire and then sex was suggested and we did i told him to lead the way and he did exactly were me and Pola go. We had a quiky a one night stand. After words i asked him was that all he wanted me for he said no if that was all he wanted me for it would of happened a while ago im confued by that i dont know what he means. So we walked home talking about other stuff and yea.

I dont know what to do now.

An old notebook page

Sometimes I wake up

and think this is just a dream

and when I search

and I cant find you

I start to cry and wish it was a dream

I cant even have you

in a dream withing a dream

My heart it hurts

My eyes they burn

from all the tears I´ve shead for you

I cant stop the feelings that wash over me when

I think about you

Sex Ganes

How can someone start liking a person that is so different from what they normally go after? If you think of everything you dislike in people and you meet a person that IS that EVERY LIKE THING YOU HATE, do you start having feelings for them? I mean how is that even possible. And how do you not realise that they are everything that you dislike until someone points it out, and when they tell you your heart is to far gone, but you decide make it into a game that way your heart is detached and you don't get hurt. So you act like you don't care and pretend it doesn't bother you. So when you're with him you´ll smile but feel as if you re dieing on the inside. Then he find out you think its a game and he says its cool cuz it is a game and he doesn't really care but what if he has a hurt expression on this face? what if he keeps giving you a chance to take back what you said he keeps sending you signals, so you feel like you have to do something to take bake what you said but you're not saying it. So you cut his initials on your arm and show it to him, and the look on this face, bliss. So he hugs you tight and kisses you. The next day you ask him if he wants to brake up, why? Why would you do that? That's what he´s thinking. He tells you no, yet the next day you ask again, He looks hurt but till says no. so you keep asking and he´s angry and hurt. He doesn't understand that's it´s for him that you're doing this, if he really knew what you were like, the real you, the sick and twisted you, would he still be with you. So you ask him why he want to stay with you and he wrights it on your hand- ILY. Your heart skips a beat but there is no expression on your face. you go hang with him and his friends they are already talking about marriage between the two of you, You kind of like the idea you wouldn't mind because every second you spend with him you like him more and more. So why,WHY would you say there was no was you would ever marry him? Because it would ruin everything if he saw you for what you really were he would hate you, so that night you play the game detach your heart. You notice hes doing the same, he´s detaching his heart also, so you will not hurt him again, and that hurts you but this is not the time to think about it because right now you're playing the game. That all you need to treat this as just a game if you do your heart won't get hurt....but what is worse to live with half a heart and lonely or to have hope that maybe he will help heal your hear and be with him.....do you really want to keep playing this game with him, its up to you just remember not to sleep with him cuz if the way things are continue he´ll become more and more detached and you´ll become more and more attached, and if you sleep with him....if you do....you´ll fall in love, and to him it will only be...just another sex game.

Dreams

I woke up feeling extremely sad. I was because of the dream I had last night. I have been having dreams every night for about four days. I can still remember part of last nights dream, I remember him telling me that he was sorry he lied he was sorry that he had told me he was 17 he was really 15 and i got mad and asked him why he slept with me. That's pretty much all I remember. First time I have had a dream about him. Does that mean he was dreaming the same thing?

love you

remember when i dedicated this song to you? that time i cryed...i was an idiot and never will i cry because or for you i acually felt bad because of what i was doing to you, but...if you cant deal with the real me... you never loved me in the first place. maybe i am what she said...a cold hearted bitch and i use people but man was it fun useing you. and did you really believe that i loved you? i told you, i would NEVER love you before we started goin out ♥♥♥♥ (I wounder what you would say if you knew i was with someone else the whole time, you were never my only one and now EVER in a million years or for ever will you be.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKAJ42tzqpc&playnext_from=TL&videos=t7UNPsN-X6E

Dog

A mysterious dog came today to the house. Probably how Shadow would be now, he´s white too. The kids started to call him shadow too, and were shadow use to be you could hear whining. Scary, I miss my doggy.

OMFGWTFH?!?!?!

Oh My Frakkken Goodness What The FuHell. I was coming from the kitchen and I casually looked to the left and there it was! An African! I was shocked out of my stockings! I quickly called my sister over and she was bahdouzered! Whatever that means. We could just not believe it! What the hell was an African doing in Mexico. We wanted to know were she was going so my sister, Jessa, ran to the front of the yard and looked out the last arch and I looked at the back maybe she would go down the street next to the house (we live on a corner). Jessa told me that she went strait. That happened like 10 minutes ago and we are still amazed, and its not like it´s hot here, well today it is, but I mean we live in a cold area. So yeah WOW.

PORN!!!!

Okay I had a GENIUS idea! (While I was in the bathroom, but never the less GENIUS!) Okay are you ready for it? No, in reality no one is ready for it but I´ll say it anyway,because I can not contain my excitement! Okay, I am going to...write PORN! Yes, I am and- Huh? What? You are so dirty minded, for same! It is going to be about this guy that goes to a garage sale and finds this book called ¨PORN¨ that's the only thing it has on the cover. He looks through it and it´s empty, but he still decides to buy it thinking maybe he can make it into a scrapbook or something. Anyway A few days go by and he meets this girl and they have sex and he took photos and hes getting ready to put them in the book. But, when he opens it there is writing on the pages, and so he reads it and latter finds out what ¨PORN¨ stands for. IF I can get this on paper it´s going to be so frakkken cool! hopefully I can. It´s super awesome in my head.

Day One

First day that mum is gone and my head feels like its about to EXPLODE. Swept half, no more then half the house and left the rest to Jessa. All she had to do was clean the table and swept the kitchen and half the hallway. All she does tho is just lay in bed eating fucking yogurt and fating and complaining about how the spoon is so heavy, then I told her again, and she just complaints and does nothing why doesn't she just fucking understand oh my gosh then she acts like she doesn't have the intelligence to clean the fucking table so i have to fucking explain it to her then she goes and messes with Danny, oh my gosh. She got back from school like 30 minutes ago and i already want to kill her. Anyway today something happened that has not happened in a long time. My tummy growled, that hasn't happened sense like... I was in school. o.0 That is it. I really don't know how I´m going to deal with this but I´m going to have to.

Shadow

you have to keep the tears in

no matter what

never let ´em out

not a single one

no matter if your mother die

no matter if your uncle

always keep the tears in

always keep it a secret

no matter if your grandma

or your grandpa die

never show your sorrow

let alone your tear

no matter if you die and look down upon yourself

you have to remember never ever to cry

these are the words i am suppose to like by, my grandma´s brother died and i didn't cry. until i was alone a tear dropped from my eye, but it wasn't for him, it was for me...and now my puppy died, some might say its stupid, but that was like my baby, and i cried the whole night through, and i cried in the morning and i cried as i typed, for my little baby Shadow that will never come back

o.0

my puppy, died like a couple of minutes ago. Am I sad? Yes, yes I am Shadow was my baby...so yes I am crying....

WTF!!!!

Why the fuck would you ask me to help you with your sex life. Why the fuck do you rub it in my face that shes coming over and that you guys are going to have sex. Why the fuck would you call your self my friend only when its convenient for you? Why the fuck do you do all that. Oh my gosh! Oh, don't get the wrong idea, it´s not that I´m jealous of her. Or that I like you. It´s that I think that fat sex is disgusting. I don't want to hear what you guys do! I don't want to know shes bringing ¨Mr. Blue¨ over. Maybe after she gets it out of her twat she can stick it up your ass. You said you liked a guy before right? that means your bi. You cant stop liking guys. EEEWWWWW. You like it up the ass. Gross. I´m not jealous that shes with you and that she has sex with you because like i said i think fat sex is gross. Its that I'm jealous of you because your partner comes over. Your partner pays you attention. You get to have ¨fun¨ sex with your partner. (puke) EEEWWWW. I might get images. I wish we had fun sex but hes never available never pays me attention only when he wants a quickie. So please don't get the wrong idea. Man how i wish i could tell you i think fat sex is gross and i never liked you. But, if i did it wouldn't be fun because you would stop trying to get me jealous. And i don't want you to stop it´s amusing. Also, its funny how your like yea were friends to well continue to talk yet you never want to talk you just make an excuse ¨oh, i have to go because she coming over.¨ Really? That is so lame! But i don't care if funny. And you know what else is funny as I'm typing this you just IMed me after i told you you were a sick for telling me what you did with her, you still come back, and try again to make me jealous ¨i love being around her¨...uhm okay? Don't care. But its whatever I'm amused and that's all that matters. OH! I just noticed something remember you told me you had ¨memory loss¨ from where you ¨tried¨ to kill yourself? And remember that you told me you didn't remember where you lived so you were staying at her house? How is it that shes coming over to her own house. That is so fucking funny! Okay well that's it.

Story: Part One

This is the story of Seth Doyle, well at least a very small part of it. His whole story stretches over the cores over one hundred thousand years. You might think it’s impossible but it’s not, at least, not for a fey. You see fey can live for ever so in a sense Seth’s life was short.

3+4

11^th of May 2020 35 minutes past 5 AM

Seth woke up with the full force of the sun in his face; he had forgotten to close the curtains again, he looked at the two tall windows letting in the sunlight then he looked over at the balcony glass doors those were covered at least. He sighed and pulled the covers over his face. ‘It is too early.’ he thought. ‘Why is life not kind to me?’ It had been a long night and he was tired. He slowly got up, and walked to the kitchen. The kitchen was off to the side as was the bathroom and it had no windows so it did not get any sunlight. Seth pulled out a chair and sat; he put his head on the table and slept.

11^th of May 2020 20 minutes past 9PM

Seth awoke to someone knocking very loudly on the big, heaver, oak doors. He slowly got up and walked towards the door to open them. Ahlizahbel looked up at him angrily “And were have you been? Eh? I’ve had to serve the whole crowd by me self and you know that today is one of the busiest nights of the week.” Ahlizahbel could go on for hours and she would have if it would not have been for Rurik “Shut up. It’s only Monday.” Ahlizahbel jumped as Rurik appeared behind her. “You should be used to it by now you know.” He laughed; she just shot him a mean look and left. “What is wrong with her?” Rurik asked Seth. Seth just shrugged his shoulders and laughed “You two really do act as if you were a couple.” Rurik turned and disappeared.

Downstairs the bar was crowded with people. You could barely see 2 meters in front of yourself with all the smoke in the room. Seth walked behind the bar began to mix some drinks.

l meanwhile l

Joe Jones was helping the last customer transfer money from one account to another, and then all he had to do was close up. Everyone else was gone and soon so would this pesky person. He had never really liked other people, at least not the males; he liked to try to get with a female every now and again but, they just would not take him. He did not know why he was smart tall and good looking at least his mother and him both thought so. In reality Joe was a little under average. Joe shaked his head to clear it from all the bad thoughts he was having. Tonight he would go to a pub, and he knew the perfect one. ‘Night Rose’ he had heard some of his younger co-workers talking about it. Joe smiled; maybe he could even get a girl for tonight.

Joe started packing up his stuff, his knee hit the desk. Drat, why did he have to be so tall? He pulls his pale blond hair out of his eyes and got up, as he walked out other door he waved good-bye to the secretary, no one ever suspected that he was stealing from the bank, as soon as he got home he went up stairs his mom’s voice coming from the kitchen asking if he wanted dinner, as he walked into the room he threw his things on the bed and went to the bathroom. Joe took out his contacts and looked at himself in the mirror, he saw a strange person with anemic pale skin, and yellow eyes, he smiled seeing that he looked kind of handsome even if his teeth were painted, he walked out of the bathroom, stopping in the doorway looking back at the yellow eyes in the mirror his lean body casting a very tall and very think shadow.

12^th of May 2020 13 minutes past 3AM

Joe looked up felling someone looking at him. A cute blond looked at him a couple of meters away sitting at a table by herself. He smiled and she smiled back Joe raised his glass of alcopops, she got up and sat down at the bar a set away from him. Imminently the male bartender came up to her “And how are you, this very early morning my rose, can I get you a drink? I am on my brake.” He smiled and she smiled back. ‘Of course.’ thought Joe. ‘Of course she should go with him’ discussed Joe got up and left. ‘I will get him back.’ thought Joe, what had been his name? Oh, yes, Seth, Seth had been his name.

Joe walked up the crumbling stairs of the abandoned button factory. This is were he came to get away. Away from his mother and away from everyone. He had transformed the office as his own, it was his hideout. He got out the key to the padlock on the door and open it. Joe looked inside ‘Home, sweet, home’ he thought Standing from were Joe was one could see a big couch making out ¾ of a square. Behind that was a bookshelf behind the book shelf was a secret door that lead to other secret doors that lead to a vault were he kept the stolen money. Beyond the couch was a glass table and chair, behind a door that lead to the bathroom, and on the opposite wall there was a control panel that operated some of the machines in the factory.

Joe walked over to the bookcase and pulled out a pink book on the bottom shelf and pressed the black button. Joe quickly stepped back and watched as the shelf opened up about half a meter. He slipped inside and followed the metal tunnel to another door he punched is his code and the door opened. Joe did the same process over a few times and finally got to the last door, behind this door was were his money was. The door opened with a mechanical hiss and Joe stepped inside. Inside was all the money he had collected over five years that he had worked at the Anglo Irish Bank Corporation. He smiled “Well if she had known that I had all this money, I don’t think that she would have gone with Seth.” Joe said out loud.

12^th of May 2020 5 minutes past 5AM

Seth closed the doors to Night Rose and walked around the back ‘Well, today was fun.’ He thought as he climbed up the stairs to the studio that the owner, Ahlizahbel’s father, had let him stay in. As Seth turned the corner he saw one of the doors off its hinges’, Seth jogged to the doors and stood in amazement. Someone had flipped his bed and made a mess of his kitchen there was also what appeared to be blood on the floor. Seth went inside and bed down to look at it, it was cow blood. He got up and walked to the kitchen, following the trail of blood, he saw how the trial twisted and turned leading to the bathroom door.

Seth quickly opening the door, expecting an attack, but nothing happened. Seth turned on the light “What the-” “Dude! You are sick, man. Completely sick! What sicko would put a cow head on the toilet? Sick. Sick. Sick.” Seth turned around and saw Rurik without his glamour. “I didn’t do it! When I came in it was just like this…” Seth could hear Rurik’s hooves as he walked towards the mirror. “So, did you see what is written on the mirror?” he asked. Seth let down his glamour and glided to the mirror picking up his hair so he would not get any blood on it. On the mirror with big letters written it the cow blood it said: TO MY ENEMY- LETS PLAY A GAME, TO SEE WHO IS BETTER IF YOU CAN BEST ME THEN I WILL LET YOU LIVE AND IF YOU CANT… WELL YOU’LL BE LIKE THE COW. HOPE YOU LIKE MY GIFT. ENJOY IT. TAG YOUR IT. – QUOTIDIAN BOB. Seth laughed “Are you serious? This guy sounds like a total nerd.” Rurik cocked his head to the side “Do you know who it is?” Seth thought about everything that had happened during the past month, ending with tonight. “HAHA, I think that I do. It’s time to do something with my free time.”

15^th of May 2020 23minutes past 11PM

Seth stealth fully walked from shadow to shadow so as not to be seen. His metallic silver hair glamoured to inky black, his wings hidden, and his cold dark beauty, glamoured to avenge. He was dressed in all black, his shoulder length hair pulled back so as not to get in his way, his blue-violet eyes searched the shadows before him as he moved from his dark corner to the next dark shadow the moon shimmered on his white skin as he inched towards the other end of the shadow, he felt some one a second too late. He was pinned on the floor. “Tag you’re it.” Rurik said, Seth growled “not for long” they wrestled on the ground and then Rurik slipped out and ran into the darkness. Seth knew that he wasn’t suppose to use magik during practice, but he couldn’t help it he was tiered and he needed to sleep, he also had to work tonight. Seth teleported behind Rurik and grabbed him “Got you. Tag you’re it. I win. I’m done. No more. Okay? Okay.” Rurik laugh “Okay I think your ready for crime fighting.” Seth let go of Rurik and clasped his hand in thanks, Rurik nodded. “What are you doing?” said Ahlizahbel. Rurik jumped. “Ha! The tables have turned! Finally!” Rurik growled at her. “Oh, shut up you always do it to me, why are you getting mad?” Rurik teleported behind her and picked her up “Laters.” He said and teleported away. Seth shook his head “Why don’t you just tell her, that you like her?” Seth looked out into the night “I’M READY TO PLAY! ARE YOU READY?” He yelled into the night.

+lTO BE CONTINUED +l

XD

Oh my gosh, I am just so FUCKING HAPPY for you. You deserve all of this, I´m so glad this happened to you! I really am. You know something I´m the only one of my friends that's single now. That's sad. Mira is going to come over tomorrow. I'm going to go out with Joel I know know when tho, so yea nothing much happened I fell like I'm going to puke tho. YUCK.

Spring update

WHO THE FUCK LIGHTS UP FUCKING FIREWORKS AT FUCKING FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!!! Good things it over now. yesterday my mum found a scorpion in the hallway she like she cut the stinger off, and like she smashed it but it was still kind of alive and like she burned it, like she put it on a paper towel and burned it, and it got me thinking...can you smoke a scorpion?! like roll it up in a blunt with some kush or something and smoke it? What would the effects be? would it be harmful? almost makes me want to do it.... Anyway I'm listening to JJdemon, can you say awesomeness? hes kind of cute too. (jjdemon.com) I love ¨The Phone Song¨ I cant wait until the video is released. Nothing much has happened besides this, uhm I might get a job at walmart. I'm going with this girl named Mira, shes my godmuther's niece. My mum says that when we were little we would play all the time, so what ever, she looks kind of goth/punk. Anyway what else.... this bra makes my boobs look weird....I hope I get the job I need money to buy a new camera USB cable. Well that's it. I´m going to go do the dishes and wash my clothes, because all I have left are skirts.

When I first met....

When I first met myself I asked myself ¨Are you alright?¨ then I looked up at myself and said ¨No, I'm not there are scary things in my head and I don't know what to do.¨ I put a hand on my shoulder and told myself ¨Don't worry things will get better, but if your scared I´ll stay here with you, forever if you'd like.¨ I got up from the dark corner i had been sitting in and hugged myself, and with tears in my eyes i told myself ¨thank you, you don't know how much this means to me.¨ I just smiled at myself and grabbed my hand ¨come on Ill take you to go met myself ¨. And hand in hand with myself I walked off to met myself. And now when ever I´m in a dark corner feeling lonely I come up to myself and help myself out of it... but I'm worried about the maximum capacity of my head.....

replay: hell

use me- digital summer

that's what i keep playing. I love this song makes me think of... well things some that I don,t really want to think about the first few lines remind me of Todd...yeah i still think about him. And I don't feel like dying when i do so i guess it´s an improvement. ¨Some rules were meant to be broken¨ I wish that I couldn't break some of the rules I have for myself, especially rules I have about Todd, well guys in general really. But hey if nothing would have happened with Todd, well I wouldn't have known what heartbreak was...wait that´s a lie. If it were not for Todd I wouldn't guard my heart as I do. And if it were not for Todd I would have suffered many many heartbreaks, so Todd were ever you are Thanks and I hope you´re happy with her. Thank for all the shit you put me through and thank for leaving me, and I mean that seriously, all of that made me a stronger person and it made think more. So now I cant love another guy. I haven´t loved anyone after you, and I still love you after all these years. It´s like I have no feeling, and for a while I did not care I was drowning, but i started drowning before you. And you did not help you made it worse. I learned to control my feeling, then I learned to minimize my feelings. And I just kept drowning, i went deeper and deeper...and no one help...and I was about to drown an angel came and offered her hand. And she started to pull me up but then I let go. And I thought she would leave like the rest, but she didn't she just offered her hand again. And again I took it and again I let go, over and over, but yet she keep offering her hand and finally, I could breath. All thanks to her I tried to forget about you with other guys, with drugs, with cutting, with alcohol, but nothing worked. What saved me was a conversation about System of A Down, and a white girl helping me with Spanish. That's my angel. Todd I thank you for putting me through hell, if it were not for you I wouldn't have met my angel. Devin thanks for being there for me you don't know how much you mean to me, thanks for saving me...I love you. You are the only person that i can say that to and mean it with my whole heart.

That's what this song makes me think of...and I just had to write it...and yes I am crying right now. But its not because of Todd its because of Devin, and how thanks to her I'm still alive. You don't know but the same day we met, earlier that day, I had already started planing my death. and you made me push it back, then when I stopped hanging with Josh stopped smoking weed, and started going to school again, we started hanging out and I thought you were just the coolest person I thought you were like my cosmic twin or something. Then we became best friends and I fell in love with you. I love your eyes just like I loved Todd´s eyes. Same with your hair. You're both crazy, you're both so bright that I'm in awe of your brilliance. Your both talented artist, both passionate about music. You guys are so alike, The one that condemned me to hell and the one that saved me. And I love you both. I always will, no matter what happens I will always love you both. Even if I continue to try to forget him, even if we stop talking. I will forever continue to love both Devin and Todd.